


Supposed To Be a Joke

by morjens



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hidden Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Not set in any era, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24376456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morjens/pseuds/morjens
Summary: ”And Bambam never kisses me anymore”, Jinyoung says, pouting for the camera and other members laugh at him.It’s always been like that. Except Bambam has learned his hard lessons about having crush, about keeping it hidden these days.
Relationships: Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	Supposed To Be a Joke

”And Bambam never kisses me anymore”, Jinyoung says, pouting for the camera and other members laugh at him. 

“Ah, hyung”, Bambam whines, “Why do you always bring that up, come on, man!” Jinyoung just laughs at him, just like he usually does. He proceeds to ruffle his hair, just enough to not mess it but still get it little out of order. 

Interview goes on, attention shifting over to their music, which Bambam is glad about. 

It’s always been like that. Except Bambam has learned his hard lessons about having crush, keeping it hidden these days. 

First it was supposed to be a joke. Stupid, stupid, stupid joke, Jinyoung being a mom and Bambam being his cute son, who would climb to his lap and kiss his cheek. And it was cute, Jinyoung would take it so seriously and young Bambam had no other way out of it than just follow the plan. Maybe it was fool, of him, to think it would somehow make him realise he wasn’t head over heels for Jinyoung. Oh, how fool he had been. 

Sometimes, still these days, he remembers the way Jinyoung’s hand clutched to his shirt, fingers warm against his waist, curling around his small hip. He may be too tall to sit on Jinyoung’s lap these days but he still remembers how giddy he used to feel doing it. Jinyoung’s warm smile always asking him if it was okay and he would do it, no matter how much he tried to act like he didn’t want to. 

Then Jinyoung himself stopped doing it and Bambam didn’t want to be the one to initiate. Maybe Jinyoung got tired of the act, maybe he didn’t want to be seen as mother figure anymore, maybe he wanted to be serious grownup who didn’t have time to dote his maknaes anymore. Maybe it was because Bambam and Yugyeom had grown up, maybe it was time to let that stupid joke go. 

At first Bambam had been happy about it. Maybe he then thought he could get a distance from his hyung, get a distance from these feelings that he couldn’t get rid of ever since seeing his hyung in terrible hair-do from Girls Girls Girls. Oh, he had been naïve to think so. Jinyoung got older, more handsome, he knew know what suited him, grew muscles and laughed even louder now that he wasn’t that insecure teenager anymore. 

And what could poor Bambam do about it other than laugh it away. Oh god, he was so screwed, all the jokes hit way too close to home. He would have given his right hand to sit on that lap again, to feel Jinyoung’s hand warmly wrapped around him. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he blamed himself and couldn’t get any sleep. 

It was getting out of hand, almost too much to bear sometimes. He was lucky enough to escape to Thailand when it got too much, all the breaks he would schedule full of other stuff so he wouldn’t have time to think about it too much. So he flees to Thailand, drowns himself to work, wants to forget, works so much his body just sleeps on it’s own and he doesn’t has to think about the situation. 

How much he longs to touch him, properly. And not like this, not these fleeting touches that are shared between members, not these stupid excuse of touches that makes his heart stutter even more, makes his smile hurt. He is fool and he doesn’t want to be but does he really have a choice. 

He is in this for a long shot, he wants to make it big and he loves his group. But he can’t talk, can’t say anything. Nobody needs to know because he will get over Jinyoung-hyung, eventually. He will, he has promised himself so. It’s useless to feel this way for a group member who sees you nothing more than a member, almost like a little brother. Sometimes that thought stings so much, makes him want to crumble under Jinyoung’s warm gaze, wants to say something but then he is once again reminded he shouldn’t. Maybe it’s all the details he has to get used to, all the things he has to understand that make him not wanting to tell anyone. It takes time to school his expressions, to make him nonchalantly shrug off all the snarky comments Jinyoung says about him as if those don’t dig deep cuts on his heart. So he laughs it off and hopes, begs for his brain to forget.

Of course, it doesn’t work that way. His brain doesn’t forget, he is still hopelessly crushing for Jinyoung. Sometimes it almost feels so natural that he forgets it, kind of, not the way he wants to, but forgets that there could be day when it’s not natural for him to stutter when he answers back to Jinyoung. He has grown used to blushing, feeling warm when Jinyoung addresses him, maybe he can’t even live without it anymore. It’s not healthy, though, to live like this. 

Once again, they are in the interview. Those are light-hearted, trying to remember old songs, Yugyeom’s hate for Nice, Jackson trying to sing an ballad for Youngjae whose laugh is filling the whole room. Bambam’s having fun, commenting on something he will most likely forgot the second he’s said it but something that fans will have field day with, when Jinyoung pats his own thighs.

“You know—”

And oh, he knows already. He fucking knows what are Jinyoung’s next words, and he feels so lost. He has to keep up with the happy interview, has to be the social one and the cheery one. He wants to run away but he is forced to act again, forced to play his role as a silly maknae who used to be stupid one and wear his heart on his sleeve. 

“--, you know Bambam used to kiss me when he was younger. Oh, he has grown up now, hasn’t he”, Jinyoung pinches Bambam’s cheek lightly and Bambam laughs, just the way he has laughed about this stupid story so many years. Never gets old, huh. 

“Oh, hyung, want me to kiss you now? You should have just said so!” he exclaims, plays it as a stupid joke but glares at Jinyoung who just laughs. Of course he just laughs, because for Jinyoung it’s just a silly habit Bambam used to have. For Bambam it’s the time when he first got to understand that there are things you are not supposed to say to your own member. 

He smiles but he’s sure it doesn’t quite reach his eyes and, god, he just hopes this stupid interview would end so he could go home and drown in self pity. When the time comes he is the first one to flee from the scene, already packing up when other members burst into the room. Jaebeom looks at him but says nothing and Bambam doesn’t comment either, it’s better that way. 

“Wait, Bam-ah, wait for me. I’ll go with the same car today”, Jinyoung announces then, killing Bambam’s ideas of running away.  
“Okay, yeah”, he says and grabs his phone from his pocket. Jinyoung lives kind of in the same side of the town as he so it’s not unusual for them to share a taxi. 

They go outside and wait for their vans to come pick them up. Manager has already called them and others pack in their cars when Jinyoung and Bambam still stay on the back door, waiting.  
“We should have gone with Jaebeom hyung”, Bambam says, just to say something, just to fill the silence with something. Their manager is couple meters away from them smoking and hand glued on his phone. 

“You think?” Jinyoung asks and raises his perfectly shaped brow. 

“I mean, I guess”, Bambam sighs, not sure if he should say something. 

“Car should be here any minute”, their manager comes to them. “You mind if I go to toilet?”

“Nah, go”, Bambam says and looks as their manager leaves them to go back inside. 

“Did I do something wrong in there?” Jinyoung asks suddenly startling Bambam. 

“Wh-what?”

“You heard me.”

“No, hyung? I don’t think you did? What do you mean?”

“Why aren’t you so sure about it? You can talk to me, you know.”

“I know, yeah, I know”, Bambam says and curses the situation. He wishes their manager would come soon. 

“So, what’s the matter, Bam?” there’s warm lilt on Jinyoung’s voice and oh, how Bambam wants to give in, wants to tell him everything, in this moment, right here. Right now, when Jinyoung stands next to him, soft looking beanie on his head, slight stubble already there, sweater looking straight from his uncle’s closet. 

But of course he can’t. 

“Oh, nothing, hyung. Don’t worry”, he forces a smile he knows Jinyoung sees is a fake but it’s the best he can do. 

“I’m your hyung, you know, you should be able to tell me”, Jinyoung pouts but keeps his distance. 

“Yeah, yeah”, Bambam mumbles and doesn’t meet Jinyoung’s eyes anymore. 

“Unless…”, Jinyoung steps closer. “Unless it’s about me. Is it?”

“What? No!” Bambam shrieks but the downside of knowing someone almost for an decade is that they know when you lie. Jinyoung squints his eyes when he looks Bambam for what feels like a long time. 

“So it is. Oh, Bam…”

“No, it’s--, it’s nothing, hyung, I promise”, Bambam lets his shoulders sag and prays for their manager to come or the come to arrive or anything at this point to get him out of this situation. 

“Have I done something wrong?”

“No, how would you do anything wrong.”

“I’m not perfect, Bam.”

“Yeah, yeah”, Bambam’s voice is silent when he answers, not meeting Jinyoung’s eyes. 

“Or is it you?”

“Me, huh?”

“That has done something wrong.”

“Hah, well, I’m the bad boy, what can I do, hyung”, he tries to joke it away but Jinyoung doesn’t smile. Maybe I really should have gone with Jaebeom, he thinks. 

“What makes you think that I’m gonna judge you somehow? Do I give vibes like that or something?”

“No, hyung, of course not. Listen, this is not your problem, it’s just something silly and I’m okay, really.”

“You can still talk to me, you know.”

“I know, yeah, I know that.”

“What could really be the thing you can’t even talk with me? We’re brothers right?”

“Right”, Bambam says monotonic, voice cracking right there. Oh, to be a bird and to be able to fly away. Brothers, brothers, brothers. The word echoes in his mind. 

“Maybe I could come with you and he could have chat, would it be good?”

“No, I don’t need to talk about it, I’m fine.”

“Clearly you are not.”

“Well, I am.”

“Come on, just tell me. I wont judge you, you know.”

“No.”

“Oh, Bam.”

“No.”

“I’m your hyu—”

“I love you, hyung!” he shouts at the empty parking lot, ten thirty nine pm, Jinyoung looking at him with wide eyes, city busy around them. 

It’s silent. 

It’s so silent that Bambam can hear every car passing, can hear his manager’s steps when he comes back, can hear his own breathing, can hear Jinyoung taking a step back. His mouth is dry but his eyes are wet and what a god damn contrast it is, he thinks bitterly. 

He didn’t think it would happen like this. He really never even thought about confessing but if it should have happened it wouldn’t have been in a silent parking lot in the middle of the city. It feels stupid but then again, the whole situation feels stupid, Bambam feels stupid. 

“Love?” Jinyoung’s voice is silent, his lips curled in a confusion. Bambam doesn’t say anything. He has already said everything he has to say. Their manager stands couple meters away, phone on his ear as he talks with someone, most likely with the van driver. Jinyoung steps closer and Bambam wants to back away couple steps. 

“Like…, like a brother, right?”

_Right._

He doesn’t say anything and maybe it’s answer enough as it is for Jinyoung. He sighs and tears his gaze away from Bambam. 

“I—“, he starts but their manager shouts suddenly:

“The car is here, come on!”

Bambam feels like his heart is about to drop off. Everything feels suddenly too much, like he should just run away to the hills and never come back. The look on Jinyoung’s face doesn’t make it better, on the contrary. The mix of pity and sadness makes him feel ill, makes him want to curl up on a ball and never face the world again. He sits on the back seat when Jinyoung chooses the front seat and they don’t talk for the whole time. 

It feels surreal. He never meant to say it, never meant this to happen. He didn’t want to feel this, but then again, maybe this way his heart knows for sure it’s pointless to harbour these nonsense feelings. Maybe he will finally be able to let go, and maybe one day he will face Jinyoung like normal people will, without feeling like he has to check everything he does, like he has to filter all his thoughts. Maybe the agony he now feels, will one day be worth it. 

It still stings when they reach his house and he hops off the van. He says a quiet thanks to the driver and his manager and makes his way to his apartment. Silence is lonely, almost too much, when he opens the door and steps in. Cats are sleeping somewhere and don’t bother with his late schedules. Maybe he will once again wake up at 5am to feed them. 

He plops to sit on the couch, looks out of the window but doesn’t see anything. It feels like it should be something bigger, like this should mean so much more. But he also knows he has known the answer for a long time. Jinyoung isn’t like him, he is more strict with his feelings. Bambam has always known it was forced to not work, they were too different, in the end. He has always seen the way Jinyoung sees him as a brother, as a group member and not as anything else. Bambam might be precious, but so are everyone else from his hyungs to the maknae. Bambam is nothing special, he will be one of the stupid ones that had the courage to say something, he will be one in the sea of many. 

He don’t know for how long he sits on the couch and stares the city underneath him. It gives him no answers and honestly, there’s no quick solutions for this. He just has to get over it, has to learn to live with the feeling of rejection that he has known will one day come. When he finally stands up he grabs his phone to play some music. Not too loud to annoy his neighbours but something to sooth his mind. 

“I love you, too.” 

It’s a message from Jinyoung, the line mocking him as he opens the text and leaves the read marks behind. It’s been sent half an hour ago, just after he came back home. 

“No, don’t do this now, hyung, please”, he answers because he has to, he has no peace otherwise. 

“But it’s true.”

“I don’t love you only as a brother.”

“Neither do I.”

This is sick and twisted, Bambam thinks when he holds the phone tighter in his grip. This is not happening, not right now. What the fuck is Jinyoung doing? He doesn’t have time to dwell on that more longer because soon the familiar ring tone starts to blare and he sees Jinyoung’s picture light up the screen. 

“What?” he hates the way his voice cracks when he opens the line. 

“I--, I don’t know.” It feels weird to hear Jinyoung like this. Like he has no words, like he doesn’t know what to say, his always so word rich hyung now left empty. 

“Why did you call, hyung?” Bambam presses his finger to his forehead, he can almost feel the headache looming in the future.

“I feel like I didn’t get to say anything to you today. Not everything I wanted to say.”

“Well, go on then…”

“Bambam…”, Jinyoung sighs as a start. “You know this is not easy, right?” Bambam nods even though it’s pretty useless since Jinyoung can’t really see him. “I feel like I haven’t been true to myself for a long time. Like, like there is something that I have known for a long time but it’s also something I have wanted to bury deep and not wanted to look at.

“And maybe it’s been stupid, of me to do that, to behave like that. And then you, someone I have known for almost a decade, someone I can always trust, someone I could have only admire from afar, says they love me. Like, what does that mean? Fans say they love me all the time? Right? Is it like that? And then I force myself to think it’s in a friendly way, because it’s what it’s supposed to be. Brothers, right. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go?

“And maybe I wanted to be like that, maybe I didn’t give myself a chance to properly think about it. About how I feel like bursting when I’m with you. About how I feel like home but also somehow want more when I’m with you. How I think about you more than anything and it’s stupid, because I really don’t have time for that. And how I never really allowed myself to think this would be something more because this is prohibited. This is something that should not happen because we would be over after that. If we let this thing happen, it would affect to our group, to others, and everything would be ruined.”

“Hyung…”

“Yeah, so that’s what I’ve been thinking of, kinda.”

“Oka—”

“But then I thought, screw it. What if? What if I would just take this stupid leap of faith? What if I would be the one to be reckless once? Would it kill me? Would it be the end of me?”

“… and?”

“Open the door.”

“What?”

“You heard me, silly.”

Bambam hurriedly throws his phone to the kitchen counter when he almost runs to the door. He presses the door buzzer and waits for the agonizing minute it takes for the elevator to come for his level. Soon there are foot steps, Bambam has pressed his ear to the door and he almost jumps when there’s a quiet knock on the door. He stares at it for a few seconds. Is this it? Is this really happening? Could it be…?

He opens the door and it’s Jinyoung, it really is. He holds his phone on his other hand, call already ended. 

“Hi, Bam.”

“You, you really…?” Bambam manages to say, voice already betraying him. 

“Let’s talk inside, okay?”

When the door closes, Bambam backs to the living room and Jinyoung takes his shoes off before following him. It feels weird to be here, to have Jinyoung in here as they know. 

“This is weird”, he says finally and Jinyoung sighs as he sits on the sofa. Bambam follows his suit, and when they are finally sitting, Jinyoung pulls Bambam closer, hand lingering on his shoulder. 

“Hyung”, he breaths out when it’s silent again, they both staring out of the window.

“Hmmh?”

“I won’t still kiss you in front of the cameras, no matter how much you whine.”

“But behind?”

“Mmh, we’ll see about that.”

Jinyoung turns to look at him and Bambam raises his eyebrow, challenges. 

“Oh, you’re brat already, aren’t you.”

“Just for you, hyung.”

Jinyoung closes the distance and they forget the outside world when first kiss turns into ten more.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya, if you liked it, dont forget to leave some kudos or comments, they always make my day. ^^
> 
> If you wanna talk with me, you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/morjens_)!


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